Divorce Tips For Introverts

People often complain (legitimately) that divorce takes too long.  While changes have been made in the past few years to help (somewhat) speed the process up (especially when it comes to issues concerning children), it still takes far too long.  In addition, there seems to be long periods of time between court dates or when your case appears active.  Why can’t the lawyers and the judge just get it done?

Many of my clients are introverted, while others are extroverted.  Introverts have an especially difficult time, in my opinion, when we appear in court for hearings, pre-trial conferences or a trial.  They find it frustrating in a court environment where key points are being made to the court and decisions are made at a pace which suddenly seems very fast.    For people who tend to be more comfortable and work better in a slower paced environment, where they can consider their responses and do not feel the need to come up with “snap answers”, this can be frustrating.  In addition, if you are married to an extrovert and still living with your spouse, the pressure cooker of continuing to live with your spouse during the divorce can often be excruciating. 

What is an introvert to do?  First, and foremost, be prepared.  Before you attend any court proceeding, make sure that you communicate with your attorney and find out what you hope to accomplish in that next court date.  What types of questions are likely to be asked?  Knowing that, you can think about your answers ahead of time so that you have the opportunity to reflect beforehand and be ready when necessary.  You will not only be better prepared, but you will be more confident in your responses to questions asked at court, and it will certainly help your case in the long run.  Be proactive; if your attorney is not calling you ahead of time before you appear in court to prepare you, call your attorney and review these issues.

My experience with introverted people is that they also view that aspect of their personality as a weakness or defect.  It is not, but you need to understand yourself so that you are most effective.  One personality test is the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator.  I would encourage anyone to take the MBTI; it is easy to locate at your bookstore or on the internet.  If you are introverted, you will know that you prefer to think before you speak, that “alone time” is essential and that you actually gain energy from engaging in certain activities on your own.  The process of divorce, on the other hand, can seem more suitable and geared toward the extrovert, who tends to think well on their feet, and can appear to be energized by the court process, while you may very well feel drained by it.

I am convinced that the introvert cannot only “hold his or her own” during the divorce process, but can positively influence the process to their advantage (and that of the children).  How?  Introverts tend to think now, and talk later; they focus on issues deeply; they tend to remain calm; and they want their “own space”.  While extroverts may appear to gain energy during this process (which they often do) they can often make the mistake of speaking first and thinking later, they may not think all issues through deeply and thus do not make the best decisions, they can appear reactive and anything but calm (which is especially damaging for children), and often are fearful of being alone after the divorce (even if they filed the case in court!).

Here are some additional suggestions I would make to introverts in their divorce and generally.  First, introverted people tend not to build social networks.  This can often leave them feeling isolated during stressful times such as a divorce.  While many with this personality often feel more self reliant and less in need of people to rely upon, everyone needs a network of friends they can rely upon when the need arises (even if you tend to need it less often than extroverts).  Second, introverts need to learn to speak up more often.  Extroverts often complain that introverted spouses never tell them what they want and then are surprised when the introvert feels frustrated.  You cannot be heard unless you speak up and express yourself, which is often a challenge.  Often, introverted people end up in jobs or other situations that they are really not happy with, often because they did not speak up.  If you are not happy in other aspects of your life (outside of your marriage), think about what areas those are and how you could be happier; what do you really like to do?

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